have you seen…

i need to start watching tv. i never know what people are talking about. people used to ask me questions that started with “did you see [insert show] last night?” or “wow, can you believe [insert random name] was voted off yesterday?” now most people know that asking me any question about a television show is a complete waste of their time because my reply is always a blank, comatose stare.

so why is it that i don’t watch television? right now, there are a handful of quality programs that are very popular, with interesting characters and engaging plot lines. so why isn’t my bottom planted in front of the rather nice 42inch LCD in my basement?

it is because remote controls have become outrageously complicated.

remote controls can now control your tv, cable box, dvd player, coffee machine, and pyloric sphincter. there are a thousand buttons, some with numbers on them, other with words, and still others that are just arrows. some buttons do nothing, others do multiple things depending on what ‘mode’ you’re in. and once you press the button, you’re treated to a menu screen that lets you see what program is going to be shown 5 hours from now on a channel that you can’t get to. why 5 hours from now? because it will take that long to decipher the hieroglyphics on the screen. but don’t worry, because your remote controls the Enigma machine that the cable company includes in their rainbow package (which will cost you $400 a month and the rights to your first born child), so you’ll be able to interpret the symbols you see.

as a result, trying to watch the telly becomes a mental exercise. i have to remember the name of the interesting show i heard about at work, remember what day and time its on, find out what channel its on, find a way to get sound of the speakers, figure out if there is high definition programming for the show, find the high def channel among the eleventy billion channels we get, and then guess what happened during the first 15 minutes of the show that i missed because of the time it took to figure out the confounding remote. wash, rinse, and repeat every 7 days? no thank you. i would rather go to the dentist for routine root canals. or set my face on fire.

so until remotes get simplified, i will simply remain ignorant to people’s conversations about grey’s anatomy, the office, dancing with the stars, and survivor. instead of watching tv, i will be stare at the sky through my window.

this way, when people decide to talk the weather, i will be extremely well informed.