check for ticks

at work today, i received a package:

immediately, i began checking for any stray wires and ticking sounds coming from inside. this is by far the most suspicious looking package i have ever received. first off, there is no return address so i have no way of knowing who really sent it. second, my address is printed out, shoddily i may add, so that the hand writing does not give away the identity of my assassin. lastly, i am addressed as ‘mr.’ and we all know that villains address their arch-enemies with a sardonic “mister” in all respectable action films.

flip the package around (very carefully, to avoid disturbing the plastic explosives). just look at the tape used to seal this envelope. im fairly certain this is the same brand of tape which suicide bombers use to tape dynamite to their bodies. you have to sign waivers to buy this tape.

the contents of the package were fairly non-extraordinary, so i was a little let down and embarrassed to have gotten out my bomb defusing protective gear.

hey, you gotta make your own fun.