The Three Postulates of Sandwich Taste Dynamics

Postulate 1: The tastiness of a sandwich increases linearly as you approach the center of the sandwich.

Postulate 2: The ideal ratio of bread to filling is 3:2 – also known as the Montagu Value.

Postulate 3: The whole of a good sandwich is more than the sum of its individual parts.

sun drop

taken today. there’s always sun after the rain. unless its the night. then, well…you have a wait a bit longer. but the sun will come at dawn. i promise.

o hai

meet charlie

this is our newest housemate! his name is charlie and he is a two year old scaredy cat. he spent the first 6 hours at our house hiding between our refrigerator and the wall. he’s getting less shy on his 2nd day here and is spending most of his time in my room and the bathroom.

here he is sniffing out the shower:

i think he thinks that bed is his instead of mine:

o hai:

here he is walking around:

he is still pretty skittish. when the door creaks, he jumps a bit and gets all startled. hopefully, he’ll get used to his new home quickly! drop by to say hello, i have antihistamines for you cat-allergic people.

bankrupt and blind

every vegetarian and ecomentalist i know has been warning me how all the hormone-infused chicken i frequently eat (and greatly enjoy) will make my eyes rot so i thought it may be a good idea to see the ophthalmologist.

the eye doctor confirmed that all parts of my eyeballs were still intact and working despite my flagrant consumption of GMO foods and my pentium-processor-centric style of living. i used an atari joystick to take an entertaining peripheral vision test and as a bonus, he gave me a refresher course on reading my alphabets. i even got these cool teardrops put into my eyes that dilated my pupils, which happens to be a good excuse to give to a police officer who has pulled you over for driving while high on speedballs. all in all, my eye examination was educational and bordering on enjoyable.

i was then led back into the waiting area, where thousands of eyeglass frames lined every square inch of all four walls. the possibilities were excitingly endless. i could choose frames that would make me appear wise, hip, or homosexual. i could select frames that made me look like an emo rocker, the queen of england, or even elton john. except i couldn’t because my eyes were full of chemicals that prevented them from focusing properly. and even if my eyes could see, the lenses in these frames are covered in all sorts of stickers that advertise anti-polarizations, UV A/B/Cs, and safety warnings which effectively render you blind as a bat when you go try them on.

after groping about for a pair of glasses that fit my mutant, abnormally shaped head and confirming with the sales-woman that i did not look like a complete fool, i went to pay for my new glasses. they say that one’s eyes are the window to their soul. therefore, i was willing to splurge on window frames that would distract people from the twisted soul that lay hidden beneath. i was not, however, ready to be financially ruined. even with my health insurance, i had to pay a king’s ransom for such things such as high index lenses and scratch resistant coating. luckily, the going rate for a kidney on the black market will cover most of these costs and i hear you can function with only one.

i suppose its time to see the nephrologist.

solution

i miss having an office where i could close the door to get work done.

temporary solution:

eric’s guide to get a seat on a NYC subway/bus

(disclaimer: this guide only covers the specifics of getting a seat on standard MTA NYC transit but can in principle be applied to MTA Long Island Rail Road, MTA Long Island Bus, MTA Metro-North Railroad and whatever else everyone rides.)

1) knowledge is power
a) the first step in getting a seat comes before you even leave the house. you must first understand the layout of the seats on the buses and subways that you will be taking. from this, you should know where to stand if you arent lucky enough to get a seat when you first board.
b) buses: buses are usually layed out very similar to each other. the very back of the bus is where you want to be in order to up your chances of getting a seat. this is because of the last row of seats on the bus.
i) the last row on the bus makes that section of the bus have the highest seat/sq area ratio, meaning that more people are likely to get out of their seats for you to swoop in and take it
ii) the last row on the bus contains seats that are least desireable because they are closest to the engine. in the summer, the seats can become unplesantly warm or even hot. less desireable = less competition.
iii) the last row on the bus is home to the same people who sat in the last row of elementary school yellow buses, making them less desirable also. plainly said, the last row can be scary sometimes.
c) subways: subways are separated into units. one type of unit is the handicap seats unit. there units are at the ends of each subway car and are oriented with the backs to the ends of the car. the other type of unis is composed of a doorway, a three-seater facing perpendicular to the train motion, and a two-seater parallel to the train motion. memorize this, foreigners! some of the newer trains have slight variations of this theme. important: do not stand in the doorway. although leaning against the doorway is more comfortable than grabbing a pole, it is more unsanitary and dumb, since sitting would be much more comfortable. plus, the whole point of me wasting my lunch to write this is to show you all how to get seats.
i) ideally you want to be standing where the two-seaters oriented in the direction of the movement of the train (or opposite the movement) meet the three seaters by the door. this allows you greater access to more seats, raising your chances.
ii) when this is not possible due to crowding, make sure you do not stand in the middle of the subway car with no clear path to any row of seats (either two or three seats connected together). you should be able to move unimpeded to to at least one row.

2) movement
a) boarding buses
i) this is fairly easy since there is only one entrance to a bus and people enter in a set order. grab the best seat you can; youre the only one up at the plate.
ii) look out for fat/homeless people. fat people are fat and take up a lot of room. homeless people smell.
b) boarding subways (this is where things get a bit tricky)
i) as the train comes, you want to guess where the train will stop and position yourself so that you will have first access to a door. this only comes with experience and practice. consider the train speed, loudness of brakes, length of platform, and your location on the platform.
ii) standing near the door allows you to scout; look through the nasty, greasy, graffiti covered door window and spot an empty seat. this seat is now all you will care about. if you arent near a door, scout through a regular window.
iii) as the door opens, move in a straight line as fast as possible to the seat that you scouted. if you see another seat open that was originally hidden from view that is closer, take it, but do not hesitate! many seats are lost in moments of indecision. most people find it easier if they just pursue the original seat.
iv) if a seat is unfilled and the train is crowded, there is often a catch. usually, a homeless person is nearby. sit in the open seat if you want, give the homeless guy your bagel or your spare change.

3) passenger behavior
a) when you are standing, pay attention to what the people in your target seats are doing. if they have made themselves very comfortable, chances are they are on the subway or bus for a long ride.
i) people who are sleeping very soundly, really into a book, breaking out a 20 course dinner, etc are probably on the train for a long time. you will not get their seats unless your ride is longer than theirs.
ii) people who are sitting with their backbacks still on their backs and dont look too comfortable are probably only on for a short time. these people are good targets.
iii) if someone sudden starts putting something away (a music player, newspaper, book) and the vehicle is approaching a stop, start moving towards them if the area near them is relatively empty. chances are good they are about to get off.
b) notice what you do when you have a seat and are about to leave. take note and see if you can spot these actions in other people who are sitting. its different in everybody.

the most important thing of all is practice! dont drive! take public transportation! its good for the environment and you see more interesting people this way :]

after getting a hard earned seat, a cripple with no arms will probably come on. or you will see a 95 year old lady with a shrively head carrying 30 bags of groceries. you will probably feel guilty and give them your seat. you good samaritan, you!

braised ribs, shen family style

my mom makes quite the good braised ribs and this is her recipe. i don’t have exact portions of any of the ingredients because measuring is overrated.

wet stuff (soy sauce, rice wine, sesame seed oil, water):

aromatics (ginger, onion, garlics)

the meat (pork ribs), cut in half efficiently by the chinese butcher:

secret ingredient is rock sugar:

infuse sesame seed oil with garlics and ginger, use a large pot:

sear your ribs:

dump in liquids and chopped up onions. liquids should almost cover the meat. use good sense when measuring proportions:

bring to boil and then simmer on low heat for 2-4 hours:

hot pork fat! you can let this solidify overnight and skim the top the next day:

enjoy!

balcony-ness

chloe is master of all she surveys:

my new teak chair, handmade by some african tribesmen (on sale for $40!):

warm weather cannot come quickly enough!

on a different note, we added a drummer to the band today and rocked out. my ears aren’t bleeding yet, but i’m hoping that i will suffer some eustachian tube damage by the end of the month.

what’s going on in numbers

this week has felt 12 days long and its only 9am on thursday morning.

i have a dentist appointment in 6 hours.

i’ve been at my new job for 5 weeks.

my court date with volkswagen is in less than 2 months.

i will turn 24 in less than 3 months.

i am looking to buy a home in wyndmoor/chestnut hill/wyncote area in the next 12 months.

that’s about it.

buying happiness

ever since my freshman year of college, i have used the same bath towels. throughout the course of two weeks, three identical blue towels were used to dry myself off after a shower. given that these towels were shabbily made to begin with, i recently decided they were unfit to use even for sudanese refugees. it seemed a good time to go buy new bath towels, especially since half of the amazon rainforest has been turned into bed bath & beyond 20% off coupons. and they have all been mailed to me.

i left the store with two large bath towels. both were a mossy shade of green and very soft. i checked to see if any cuddly creatures were skinned to make them but unfortunately, the towels are 100% cotton. i am going to perform a long term test to see if the towel that cost $18 is actually better than the $12 towel. as of tonight, both towels are plush, warm, and make drying off complete bliss. i used to fear the end of my shower because it meant chafing my entire body with blue sandpaper. give the choice between that and the pit and the pendulum, i would find the rope myself to bind my body.

the $30 i spent on towels has brought happiness into my life and this brings me to my next point, which is that money can most definitely buy happiness, despite all the adages you may have heard. now, let me first make it clear that i am not speaking towards those whose goal in life is to accumulate mansions, sports cars, and yachts. i suspect that their problem is something else altogether. i am writing about the sort of person who buys ketchup wholesale because it will save them $0.13 per ounce. yes, i am talking to the sort of person who will wait to see a friend in person to deliver mail by hand to save $0.41 of postage.

i am convinced that every time you experience displeasure in your life, the root cause is some sort of unhappiness, felt either by yourself or by the person perpetrating the upsetting act, that could be allayed by a monetary purchase of some sort. for instance, just the other day, while stuck in a typical philadelphia traffic jam, i didn’t have multiple strokes because i was listening to a great kenny g christmas album i had bought last year. and my hands were warm because i had on a warm pair of gloves. because of these small, but significantly life improving purchases, i had only one stroke.

what is the point of toiling away at your job if you are unwilling to spend your money to better your life? after a hard day’s work, you go to shoprite to buy food, but what you leave with instead is shoprite branded orange juice from concentrate and a tin of tuna fish. not even the chunky white albacore tuna, but the cheaper minced version. “they were on sale!” you’ll cry. you’ll miserably eat your supper of tuna fish and orange juice in your home, heated to a frigid 60F to save money, and go to sleep unhappy and jaundiced. this is only after taking a shower, which was cut short to save hot water, and drying off with a ratty towel that has the texture of pumice.

people who go through life this way often will defend their actions by saying something along the lines of “if i save $20 a week, over the course of ten years, the interest will have made me $10,000 richer.” well, maybe, but how much will that money be worth in a decade if you count inflation? also, what would you be doing with the $10,000 a decade from now? buying things with it to make your life less miserable? i highly doubt it because you were unwilling to spend $20 a week to go out for dinner with your friends when you were younger. you havent a hope in hell of spending a much greater amount (so you misers currently hope) later on in your life.

my glib financial advice might just sound like the rantings of an consumer, but it isnt. i understand the value of investing in a future, increasing stability for your family, and planned purchases. i am not suggesting that we all start to impulsively buy the magazines and sweets placed at the checkout aisles of grocery stores. what i am pushing for is a more realistic view of what the point of life is and how we can all happily live together. when you are happy yourself, you tend to be a better and more pleasant person, making all those around you laugh and smile.

so go ahead and turn the heat up in your apartment and splurge on that tropicana orange juice. you can consider it as a charitable and selfless act – a christmas gift to the rest of the world.