nostalgia

i paid $2.25 for a metrocard fare yesterday. today i found this while digging through some of my old things at my parents’ place:

nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

we are books and our covers are ridiculous

i must have had a bout of insanity the other afternoon because i bought a pair of sunglasses.

it is a well known fact that sunglasses are useless. first of all, all sunglasses eventually get sat on, crushed, or lost. the more expensive the sunglasses, the quicker they are to meet their demise. also, wearing sunglasses while it is sunny out will leave your face looking like panda bear’s. i really don’t see the point of wearing them. after all, our tribal mastodon-hunting, fire-inventing ancestors didn’t wear coverings over their eyes and they got along just fine, even while spending much more time than we do outdoors. but most importantly, wearing sunglasses makes you look like you belong the set of “the fast and the furious,” which is to say that you will look like an absolute cock.

this bothers me because it signifies a recent trend of people becoming more and more defined by increasingly insignificant things. for example, it used to be that the car you drove said a lot about who you were. for example, if you drove a porsche, then you were having a mid-life crisis. if you drove a lexus, then you played golf. if you drove a hummer, then you dined on bald eagle egg omelets and burned rain forests on free weekends.

nowadays, the program on your television says more about you than peoples’ cars ever did. think im wrong? consider this: when someone admits they absolutely are obsessed with “deal or no deal,” everyone within earshot automatically judges this person to either be clinically brain-dead or from the deep south. similarly, people who watch “american idol” have horrible taste in music, viewers of professional wrestling are illiterate, and fans of “the real housewives of nyc” have no friends.

this really is a shame because we end up judging people before we can even get to know them. despite my rather cynical entries on this blog, i do believe that the majority of people are not window licking mentals and a good number are worth getting to know. if you really think about, all of our closest friends were strangers to us at one point. so next time smile and say hello to the person behind you in line at the grocery store, even if they have bought only bean sprouts and recyclable tofu.

blaming the economy for modern “conveniences”

i have just returned from a brilliant weekend skiing in the poconos. the skies were clear, i was in good company, and the lodge had a terrific hot chocolate drink. i am a skier but several of my friends decided to try out the scallowag sport of snowboarding and contrary to my expectations, not a single person died, not even slightly.

however, on our way home, it was a totally different experience and i blame our dreadful trip on modern technology. someone riding in my car had brought along their satnav unit and we decided that it would be a good idea to use it on our way home; it had gotten dark and most of the mountain roads were not well lit which made it difficult to see the road signs.

what a complete disaster it was. first of all, the satnav was programmed during its last journey to avoid toll roads which meant that unknown to us, we were being directed away from civilization and into a town that looked like the spawn of the blair witch project and a russian gulag. naturally, turning this feature off required several hundred pushes of buttons and an advanced degree in electrical engineering.

next, the satnav was delayed in giving turn instructions, which meant that i was constantly being caught off guard and slamming on my brakes to make left and right turns. on a normal road this is just a minor nuisance, but when you are traveling downhill on a gravel mountain road that is poorly lit, it can be lethal.

lastly, despite all these shortcomings in the device’s most basic of functions, it greatly bothered me that it did other things so well. for example, it knew the speed limit of every road i traveled on and was constantly upset at me for driving 60 mph on a 55 mph road. this also meant it knew the speed of my car, which is a redundant feature since every car i have ever driven in my entire life has come with something called a speedometer. in addition, it somehow knew my elevation above sea level, which is useful in an airplane, but very unncessary in a car. so then, as an agent of convenience and safety, i would much rather have a massive shark bite than a GPS device.

this brings me to my next point, which is that nothing made these days works as it is intended. my cell phone for example works as a great mp3 player, camera, planner, memo pad, and alarm clock. but it is constantly dropping calls, spraying static into my ear, and running out of electricity. for communicating with people, i would honestly be better off shouting loudly and hoping the person i need to speak with is within earshot.

the same goes for my computer which is constantly freezing and my coffee machine that likes to spray boiling hot grounds at my face. my car spends half its time at the shop having its airbags and electric windows replaced,  my microwave only wants to warm up the bowl and not the food in it, and the remote control to my television is impossibly complicated and has a thousand buttons all with hieroglyphics written on them.

i think i understand what is going on here. because several years ago, banks lent money they did not have to deadbeats in california who would could not pay back the loans, the economy is now in shambles. in these current times of bank failures, auto company bailouts, and the dropping value of the US dollar, i believe the goods we buy  are cleverly designed to create extra jobs and help us out of the economic slump. not only do the products have to be manufactured in a factory, but someone has to be hired to answer the phone when you call customer support when it breaks. the company also has to employee a technician to fix your broken appliance or device and then in order to ship your mended product back to you, they must ring up a delivery man. if all the things i owned never went wrong, think of all the people that would be jobless and living in squalor.

so remember this next time you are on hold listening to bad music and waiting for an indian man to help you fix your broken laptop. he may be a thousand miles away, have no proficiency at the english language, all the while genuinely not caring about your computer, but just like you buying your rubbish laptop, he is doing his part to help the world economy.

The Three Postulates of Sandwich Taste Dynamics

Postulate 1: The tastiness of a sandwich increases linearly as you approach the center of the sandwich.

Postulate 2: The ideal ratio of bread to filling is 3:2 – also known as the Montagu Value.

Postulate 3: The whole of a good sandwich is more than the sum of its individual parts.

too much of a choice thing

the recent fashion in haircut for men seems to be the “faux-hawk.” it is accomplished using hair product to create the appearance of the mohawk without actually shaving the sides of one’s head. this hairstyle was made popular by david beckham, but is now sported by scalawags and hooligans alike that you can find at your local pub. see the car in your rear view mirror that is following three inches behind your bumper? he’s got a fauxhawk. and i’ll bet that the guy in front of you at the movies who talks throughout the entire movie has got the same ridiculous haircut. out of all the possible haircuts he could have chosen, he chose to make himself look like a cock(adoo).

this is just one example where choice is a bad thing, which brings me to my next point, which is toothpaste. having used up the tube of toothpaste that i’ve been using for the last two years, i recently found myself in the toothpaste aisle at the pharmacy.

it is a sad sign of just how consumer-oriented american society has become that an entire aisle is devoted to the display of toothpastes. and what a display it was. holographic packaging, ADA stamps of approval, and similar sounding brand names paralyzed me with choice.

i prefer minty toothpastes, but should i get spearmint, peppermint, cool mint, wintermint, or clean mint? did i want my mint administered in a stripe, a gel, or in peppery flakes? more over, if i bought the cavity protection toothpaste, would my teeth turn yellow because the toothpaste that protects against cavities is not the whitening type?

actually, i should get the tartar prevention toothpaste because tartar buildup causes gum disease, and i know for a fact that bleeding gums are a real turn-off to the ladies. but so is nasty breath, and here on this shelf there is toothpaste with mouthwash built in! should i get the kind with scope or with listerine? no, that’s a bad idea because if i get mouthwash toothpaste, my enamels will turn to dust because i’ve passed on the fluoride toothpaste. but what good is strong enamel when every time i eat ice cream, the nerves in my teeth feel like they are being prodded with scalding tongs? there is toothpaste for sensitive teeth to my left, but it comes in cinnamon, citrus, and twenty seven different varieties of mint.

when i come to power, i will revolutionize toothpaste sales. there will be only one type of toothpaste and it will be regular mint flavored, good for sensitive teeth, fluoride enriched, imbued with listerine mouthwash, tartar destroying, and whitening. the toothpaste will be so effective that you may choose to no longer floss.

and that is the easier choice of all.

bankrupt and blind

every vegetarian and ecomentalist i know has been warning me how all the hormone-infused chicken i frequently eat (and greatly enjoy) will make my eyes rot so i thought it may be a good idea to see the ophthalmologist.

the eye doctor confirmed that all parts of my eyeballs were still intact and working despite my flagrant consumption of GMO foods and my pentium-processor-centric style of living. i used an atari joystick to take an entertaining peripheral vision test and as a bonus, he gave me a refresher course on reading my alphabets. i even got these cool teardrops put into my eyes that dilated my pupils, which happens to be a good excuse to give to a police officer who has pulled you over for driving while high on speedballs. all in all, my eye examination was educational and bordering on enjoyable.

i was then led back into the waiting area, where thousands of eyeglass frames lined every square inch of all four walls. the possibilities were excitingly endless. i could choose frames that would make me appear wise, hip, or homosexual. i could select frames that made me look like an emo rocker, the queen of england, or even elton john. except i couldn’t because my eyes were full of chemicals that prevented them from focusing properly. and even if my eyes could see, the lenses in these frames are covered in all sorts of stickers that advertise anti-polarizations, UV A/B/Cs, and safety warnings which effectively render you blind as a bat when you go try them on.

after groping about for a pair of glasses that fit my mutant, abnormally shaped head and confirming with the sales-woman that i did not look like a complete fool, i went to pay for my new glasses. they say that one’s eyes are the window to their soul. therefore, i was willing to splurge on window frames that would distract people from the twisted soul that lay hidden beneath. i was not, however, ready to be financially ruined. even with my health insurance, i had to pay a king’s ransom for such things such as high index lenses and scratch resistant coating. luckily, the going rate for a kidney on the black market will cover most of these costs and i hear you can function with only one.

i suppose its time to see the nephrologist.

relax

amazing what a sunset and a cocktail can do for you.

PIKA!

what the?! where is that girl in pink headed?

gee tar

thanks everyone for your guitar suggestions. i went to some shops and decided the guild gad-30re was the one i liked best. i got it today and got it strung with nicer strings – wow! it sounds majestic and great. very different from the mellowed, harmonic filled seagull that i have that has a cedar top and wild cherry back and sides.

orchestra body style:

old school retro?

hard to see in the picture, but the bindin is flamed maple :O

inlays that i cant be bothered with (is this the boy scouts logo?):

a nice mosaic inlay on the rosewood back:

when choosing the guitar, i imagined it to be like what harry potter felt at ollivanders when he choosing a wand. rather, when the wand was choosing him.

“sitka spruce with rosewood back and sides. 1.75″ nut width. fishman matrix natural I pickup. good for playing music on.”

swishy? good for charm work?

have you seen…

i need to start watching tv. i never know what people are talking about. people used to ask me questions that started with “did you see [insert show] last night?” or “wow, can you believe [insert random name] was voted off yesterday?” now most people know that asking me any question about a television show is a complete waste of their time because my reply is always a blank, comatose stare.

so why is it that i don’t watch television? right now, there are a handful of quality programs that are very popular, with interesting characters and engaging plot lines. so why isn’t my bottom planted in front of the rather nice 42inch LCD in my basement?

it is because remote controls have become outrageously complicated.

remote controls can now control your tv, cable box, dvd player, coffee machine, and pyloric sphincter. there are a thousand buttons, some with numbers on them, other with words, and still others that are just arrows. some buttons do nothing, others do multiple things depending on what ‘mode’ you’re in. and once you press the button, you’re treated to a menu screen that lets you see what program is going to be shown 5 hours from now on a channel that you can’t get to. why 5 hours from now? because it will take that long to decipher the hieroglyphics on the screen. but don’t worry, because your remote controls the Enigma machine that the cable company includes in their rainbow package (which will cost you $400 a month and the rights to your first born child), so you’ll be able to interpret the symbols you see.

as a result, trying to watch the telly becomes a mental exercise. i have to remember the name of the interesting show i heard about at work, remember what day and time its on, find out what channel its on, find a way to get sound of the speakers, figure out if there is high definition programming for the show, find the high def channel among the eleventy billion channels we get, and then guess what happened during the first 15 minutes of the show that i missed because of the time it took to figure out the confounding remote. wash, rinse, and repeat every 7 days? no thank you. i would rather go to the dentist for routine root canals. or set my face on fire.

so until remotes get simplified, i will simply remain ignorant to people’s conversations about grey’s anatomy, the office, dancing with the stars, and survivor. instead of watching tv, i will be stare at the sky through my window.

this way, when people decide to talk the weather, i will be extremely well informed.