attack of the clone

the bbe green screamer is a clone of the classic ibanez tube screamer. after trying out both at the store, i could not tell the difference in the sound between the two so i went with the much more affordable bbe stompbox. it can produce quite a range of sounds, from a crunchy compact wak wak to a creamy nerrghh nerrghh. it also has true by-pass, a nifty tone knob, and is built to last longer than forever – transaction complete!

average is boring

far past public speaking, clowns, and pointy shoes, being a boring person is without a doubt my greatest fear. every so often, i meet a person who possesses the conversation skills of a sack of turnips and immediately, i panic and fear that one day, i may become like them. these sort of people could tell a story of how they had to jump out of a plane because their hair was on fire, only to land in a jungle to face hordes of cannibals who eventually made them their worshiped deity that fell from the sky and you would be fast asleep before they even got their parachute opened.

this brings me to the volkswagen jetta. you see, when i am on the road during my commute to and from work, i enjoy watching the cars around me and the people driving them. whenever i see a mid-sized sedan driven by a middle aged person in the middle lane of the motorway at a very reasonable speed, pangs of fear stab into my heart as i envision myself slowly becoming beige and boring. but every once in a while, a mid-sized sedan comes into my field of vision and instead of a nervous face, a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth.

by no means is the volkswagen jetta a pretty car. something about the square back doesn’t quite match the roundish front, the shoulder line is all wrong, and the tail lamps looked like they were nicked from a toyota parts bin. in addition, the grill contains acres of chrome and the garish red colored car i received from the dealership probably came straight out the crayola color palette (yes, my GTI is in the shop again for air bag repairs).

underneath the hood is a 5 cylinder engine that has the power of a 4 cylinder and the gas efficiency of a 6. if there is one thing that really lets this car down, it is the standard engine. the noise it makes isnt that good either; it sounds like a mix of combustive arthritis and asthma. if at all possible, get the jetta with the 2.0L turbo or the diesel, which will be on sale in all 50 states very soon.

when you step inside, things don’t get much better. the sea of grays and blacks remind me of the insides of a coal miner’s boot. however, the materials used for the interior are well made and are easily a notch above similar offerings from japanese rivals. as you explore the various dials and switches, you come across little touches that volkswagen added to make this car just a little more interesting.

the door latches for instance are made from a brushed metal that is smooth to the touch and hides fingerprints well. the lock and unlock button isn’t the usual beige/neon orange (why was neon orange chosen?!) you find in other economy cars but is a LED backlit toggle switch that glow red when the door is locked and orange when it is unlocked.

the most pedestrian of all car switches, the window switch, is treated with similar regard. a clear and easy to understand window icon is back-lit with a red LED in the dark so you can find it easily. you can sort of make out the texture of the plastic used – it is textured and slightly grippy, nothing like the playskool switches you find in other economy cars.

the instrument panel is where german efficiency and sleekness comes through. the dashboard bathes you in an electroluminescent glow of indigo and red and because this is a volkwagen, you will definitely become acquainted with the various error lights flashing here (mein gott…). all dials are very legible and arranged with the logic of the german motorway network.

the volkswagen jetta is in no way a good car. it is ugly, overpriced, thirsty, and because it is a volkswagen, it will never be as reliable as a toyota or honda. unlike a toyota or honda, it will depreciate like a stone and cost a small fortune to maintain. but unlike a toyota and a honda, the jetta has some semblance of style and is more interesting than wet cardboard. i wonder how well glossy black spray paint adheres to that atrocious chrome grill…

my week with the toyota prius

my car was unfortunate enough to need repairs this week so i was unfortunate enough to be loaned a prius for the duration my car was in the shop.

the prius has become a bit of a fashion item these days. by driving this car, you let people know that you care about baby polar bears, conserving the rain forest, women’s rights, and apple computers. a long list of hollywood celebrities drive a prius, including harrison ford, leonardo dicaprio, cameron diaz, kevin bacon, will ferrell, and tom hanks.

but aren’t fashion accessories supposed to be good looking?

the toyota prius is probably one of the most ugly car on the roads today. this is puzzling because clearly, toyota knows how to design a decent looking car. just look at the cutesy yaris, the understated corolla, and the handsome camry (see below).

so the prius is not too good looking. i could possibly live with that if there were enough good things about the car to offset its deformed appearance. the first thing i liked about the prius was the interior space. it was downright cavernous. the headroom is incredible for a car its size and the rear legroom rivals that found in the camry. there’s tons of room to carry 5 adults around comfortably. the automatic climate control was quick to warm up the cabin of the car on the cold winter mornings and the prius’s suspension was adept at soaking up the moon-like craters found on philadelphia back roads.

the car is also whisper quiet at low speeds when only the electric motor is propelling you forwards. at first i enjoyed the serenity and being thoughtful to people living in the houses i drove by. but after some consideration, i have decided that the quietness of the car is actually quite dangerous. if you are cruising about at a low speeds, as you would in residential areas, the car makes no sound. if you are in a residential area, there will likely be kids playing on the sidewalks. when a kid runs into the street to chase after his ball, he will not hear your prius coming and you will strike and kill the child. your license will be suspended and you won’t be able to drive your prius, which saves a ton of gas.

children in back of the car are not safe either because rear visibility is the worst i have ever experienced in any car. because the rear window is so close to being parallel with the ground, and also because of a spoiler that runs across the rear-hatch, you literally have only 6 inches of vertical space to see the things behind you. so after killing all children in front of and in back of the prius, you will surely be locked away in a turkish prison for reckless driving.

another way to save gas is to be scared off the roads. the prius is so unimaginably slow that merging onto a highway will definitely require you to hire a trauma therapist. you’re on the on-ramp, you signal, look left, the coast is clear, you stomp on the throttle, and….nothing happens. everything seems to get louder but your speedometer is not changing. quite frankly, i am surprised that i am still alive and writing this blog post after driving the car for a week. since dead people don’t drive and thus, cannot burn gasoline, the prius’s lack of any forward motivation further adds to the environmental friendliness of the prius. or maybe the car was designed to be slow so that when you strike the child that did not hear you coming, he will feel nothing but a nudge.

i really don’t see any reason for owning a prius. in regards to fuel consumption, normal diesel cars such as the golf tdi, jetta tdi, and upcoming diesel cars from honda all get better mileage than the prius, which is rated at 48mpg in the city and 45mpg on the highway. so if you want an eco-friendly car, get a diesel. if you want an ugly, slow, and unsafe way to get from home to work, you would be better off with a donkey.