actually, i can believe it’s not butter

there’s a series of videos floating around on the interweb called auto-tune the news where several rather talented musicians turn news clips into entertaining pop songs. using a computer program, the speech from various newscasters is pitched to musical notes, creating a song. what is truly surprising, besides the gormlessness of daytime news anchors, is how good these songs sound. if i were to hear these songs on my car radio, i would assume it was just the latest and trendiest pop or r&b song.

that’s because in essence, they are. if you’ve been to a live concert, you’ll know that while the music is more exciting, the sound just doesn’t seem as polished as the illegal mp3s you’ve downloaded. that’s because the recording has been bent, mixed, processed, and mastered to sound pristine perfect. computer software can adjust the pitch and timing of  notes sung off-key or off beat and as a result today’s radio stations mostly broadcast talentless teenagers, chosen more for the range of their hip gyrations than the range of their voices. if you managed to catch the live, un-processed black eyed peas performance before the start of the NFL season opener last thursday, you’ll know what i’m banging on about.

you might expect this to bother an irascible grump such as myself but actually, i’m really quite fine. i have already been desensitized by countless dispelled illusions of photoshopped pictures, augmented and tucked celebrities, and computer generated trickery in movies. it was only a matter of time before music was affected by our propensity towards artificial enhancement.

if you ever leave margarine on your counter top on a hot summer day, you’ll notice that it does not spoil. because margarine is manufactured in a chemical factory from plastic, sin, and yellow coloring, not even bacterial and fungal decomposers find it fit to eat. so why do we, as higher primates, continue to accept these shameless substitutes for art, film, and music? and if brainless microorganisms have enough sense to avoid dining on margarine, shouldn’t we be clever enough to distinguish between cultural margarine and cultural butter?

check for ticks

at work today, i received a package:

immediately, i began checking for any stray wires and ticking sounds coming from inside. this is by far the most suspicious looking package i have ever received. first off, there is no return address so i have no way of knowing who really sent it. second, my address is printed out, shoddily i may add, so that the hand writing does not give away the identity of my assassin. lastly, i am addressed as ‘mr.’ and we all know that villains address their arch-enemies with a sardonic “mister” in all respectable action films.

flip the package around (very carefully, to avoid disturbing the plastic explosives). just look at the tape used to seal this envelope. im fairly certain this is the same brand of tape which suicide bombers use to tape dynamite to their bodies. you have to sign waivers to buy this tape.

the contents of the package were fairly non-extraordinary, so i was a little let down and embarrassed to have gotten out my bomb defusing protective gear.

hey, you gotta make your own fun.

ford fiesta!

met a cool dude named mark who was driving around (actually stuck in traffic) in a 2011 ford fiesta. it is one sharp looking car!

if they make it with the turbocharged-5 cyl. it might very well be my next car!

detour

my commute to work has changed gradually and slowly (a la darwin) over the last three years. my start point has remained the same – philadephia, and my destination is also unchanged – dante’s 4th circle. but all the bits in between have changed.

ive found quicker roads that have replaced congested roads. ive learned which roads are the ones used by school buses which stop at every house for miles at a time.

there are portions of my commute that i cannot find alternatives for which have transformed into stretches of potholes. driving on these roads is about as comfortable as falling down the stairs wearing leg calipers. or contracting anthrax.

and in many ways, my commute to work has been a metaphor for my life. i am certain that i am where i am now because, simply, i have gotten here. certain parts of the journey have gone quicker than expected, such as living alone with a cat as beige pensioners do, and owning a home, as a responsible adults do. other portions of my life have been frought with more peril and discomfort than i had originally anticipated.

and to complete my analogy, i will liken my commuting vehicle – a nimble and enthusiastic but slightly dodgy volkswagen hatchback – to myself;  i have the foresight to detect and avoid upcoming obstacles in the road and to overtake (on the left, mind you) slow moving traffic, but in the end it will be my inherent shortcomings, the nature of who i am, that will envelope me in a cloud of burning oil and steam and make me late to wherever it is i want need to go.

but as they say, better late than never.

At the dinner table:

Dad: You know, I was thinking today about all my accomplishments. I have two kids, two cars, two houses… but only one wife! (hearty laughter)
Mom: (no laughter, raises an eyebrow.)

the answer

as i floated in the purgatory between sleep and conscious this morning, i had a dream that i was on the verge of a great discovery. it was a feeling of excitement as one reads the ending paragraphs of a gripping mystery novel, or hearing the punchline of a joke. but just as i was about to be enlightened, my alarm clock goes off, ending my dream and sending me pummeling into an abyss of ignorance once more.

i have never woken up more frustrated and i don’t even know the question to the answer i was so close to learning.

joe and christina’s wedding

some of the better pictures:

charlie and the string

charlie bit me afterward in his excitement haha :O

charlie and string from ericlikeseatin on Vimeo.

charlie the lolcat

charlie the lolcat

the first of hopefully many:

solution

i miss having an office where i could close the door to get work done.

temporary solution: