got a runny nose? move to australia

January 26, 2008 at 1:48 am 1 comment

it is a funny thing when you get sick – the world suddenly becomes very small. nothing on earth seems to matter except the inordinate amounts of mucus your nose is producing and how badly your throat hurts when you cough. a giant asteroid could be waiting outside your window, ready to send mankind to the way of the dinosaur, and all that would be on your mind is if enough antihistamine was in your nighttime cough syrup.

of course, right now i am not sick – i am in fact dying. i have something much more sinister than your average cold. a cold is what red-nosed grade schoolers get. if you tell someone that you are sick with a cold, they’ll likely scoff and tell you to “suck it up, nancy-boy.” so what i really had was a cancerous bubonic plague with a side infection of ebola and avian flu.

this was most troublesome when i went to the pharmacy because theraflu doesn’t come in a “cancerous bubonic plague with a side infection of ebola and avian flu” flavor. i found theraflu packets to cure flu and sore throat, flu and chest congestion, cold and cough, cold and sore throat, daytime severe cold, and nighttime severe cold. in the same aisle were various syrups, strips, pills, sprays, and lozenges. when you have a fever, watering eyes, and are coughing up your sphincters, making sense of a pharmacy’s “cold remedy” aisle will bring even the manliest man to tears.

so i called up my GP and tried to arrange for an appointment. i told her that men from the CDC dressed in full body biohazardous suits were asking me if i have wallowed in chicken feces recently, but she said the earliest she could see me is in 10 days. by that time, i will have either been consumed by my black death, or i will have fully recovered. in both scenarios, seeing her would be completely pointless.

so what is a sick person to do? doctors can’t be bothered and you need advanced degrees in pharmaceutical sciences to buy the proper medicine. in addition, the CDC wants to place you under quarantine and your boss wants those TPS reports on his desk monday morning (mm kay?).

the solution to all these problems, curiously enough, is to move to australia. when is the last time you saw an australian with a cold? can you even imagine steve irwin, the crocodile hunter, blowing his nose and sipping chicken noodle soup while laying in bed? in australia, everything can and will kill you; the world’s most dangerous jellyfish, snakes, marsupials, and rugby players all live in australia. any disease from the rest of the world pales in comparisons to the dangers that exist in australia.

and if my boss follows me to australia, then i hope, for his sake, that the man-eating prawns get to him before i do.


Entry filed under: commentary.

two albums and a book what’s going on in numbers

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. huang  |  January 30, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    is it barbituate time again?


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