too much of a choice thing

September 15, 2008 at 12:41 pm 1 comment

the recent fashion in haircut for men seems to be the “faux-hawk.” it is accomplished using hair product to create the appearance of the mohawk without actually shaving the sides of one’s head. this hairstyle was made popular by david beckham, but is now sported by scalawags and hooligans alike that you can find at your local pub. see the car in your rear view mirror that is following three inches behind your bumper? he’s got a fauxhawk. and i’ll bet that the guy in front of you at the movies who talks throughout the entire movie has got the same ridiculous haircut. out of all the possible haircuts he could have chosen, he chose to make himself look like a cock(adoo).

this is just one example where choice is a bad thing, which brings me to my next point, which is toothpaste. having used up the tube of toothpaste that i’ve been using for the last two years, i recently found myself in the toothpaste aisle at the pharmacy.

it is a sad sign of just how consumer-oriented american society has become that an entire aisle is devoted to the display of toothpastes. and what a display it was. holographic packaging, ADA stamps of approval, and similar sounding brand names paralyzed me with choice.

i prefer minty toothpastes, but should i get spearmint, peppermint, cool mint, wintermint, or clean mint? did i want my mint administered in a stripe, a gel, or in peppery flakes? more over, if i bought the cavity protection toothpaste, would my teeth turn yellow because the toothpaste that protects against cavities is not the whitening type?

actually, i should get the tartar prevention toothpaste because tartar buildup causes gum disease, and i know for a fact that bleeding gums are a real turn-off to the ladies. but so is nasty breath, and here on this shelf there is toothpaste with mouthwash built in! should i get the kind with scope or with listerine? no, that’s a bad idea because if i get mouthwash toothpaste, my enamels will turn to dust because i’ve passed on the fluoride toothpaste. but what good is strong enamel when every time i eat ice cream, the nerves in my teeth feel like they are being prodded with scalding tongs? there is toothpaste for sensitive teeth to my left, but it comes in cinnamon, citrus, and twenty seven different varieties of mint.

when i come to power, i will revolutionize toothpaste sales. there will be only one type of toothpaste and it will be regular mint flavored, good for sensitive teeth, fluoride enriched, imbued with listerine mouthwash, tartar destroying, and whitening. the toothpaste will be so effective that you may choose to no longer floss.

and that is the easiest choice of all.


Entry filed under: musings. Tags: , , .

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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Brian Jackson  |  September 16, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Fortunately this is unlike to happen with such a narrow agenda, but if you do and you press ahead with your compulsory fluoridation, expect to become involved in a Class Action. This stuff is poisonous crap and has no place in the human diet or the wider environment especially clean drinking water. Its a good rat and roach killer though so no doubt you will wish to increase your dosage.


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