reading the paper can kill you

November 16, 2008 at 10:14 pm Leave a comment

it is hard to enjoy anything currently. just this past weekend, i was at the pub enjoying a meal with a friend. as we shared in good conversation, little nagging thoughts occasionally popped into my head. just how quickly does second-hand smoke turn my lungs into tumorous blocks? is my burger cooked medium-rare infected with bacteria that will liquefy my intestines? have the land burning, communist agents working for the philadelphia parking authority towed away my car for an 30 second-expired meter?

i fully blame this prevalent worrywart-itis on the media. anytime you open up the paper or turn on the ten o’clock news, it is all doom and gloom. corrupt city governments are misappropriating funds, old men in suits on wall street are reducing your retirement funds to the value of last year’s laptop, and toxic cat litter is turning your kitty’s insides to concrete – the list goes on and on.

eventually, someone is going to find a connection between newspaper ink and skin cancer. and because we’re told that watching the television gives you glaucoma and turning on the car radio while driving means you’ll go through the pearly gates backwards and on fire, how will we ever learn about the dangers of newspaper reading? surely not through the interweb, which is filled only with pedophiles and terrorists.

as i write this, i am reading an article that documents how drinking, even in moderation, shrinks your brain. the pathetic scaremonger who performed this study clearly has nothing in life which makes him happy and is seeking revenge on the world by spreading his hate and misery. rest assured, drinking only affects your brain in the short term, and in that short term, alcohol is a magical and wonderful thing. benjamin franklin once said that “beer is living proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.” in the long term, alcohol in all forms lowers the incident of heart disease and red wines are chock full of powerful antioxidants. so don’t worry about your brain’s cleverness and enjoy your glass of chablis, your ice cold martini, or your pint of lager.

unless youre drinking keystone light, in which case i might start believing that article.


Entry filed under: commentary, reflection. Tags: , , .

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