hot with a chance of chastity

June 23, 2010 at 11:17 am 6 comments

the weatherman announced record breaking temperatures so i went to the mall.

i usually avoid malls like the plague. i see them as opulent shrines to capitalism where teenagers go to share venereal diseases and where pensioners go very early in the morning to eat bran muffins. however, the recent heatwave here in NC forced me to begrudgingly drive to the mall to buy a pair of shorts.

i’ve complained before about how buying toothpaste overwhelms me with too many choices, but it is nothing compared to buying a pair of shorts. you can get them in a million different shades of grey, khaki, and blue. they can be very short and tight, if you’re thin and stylish, or very baggy and long, if you’re a murderer concealing guns and knives. they can have extra pockets on the side to carry extra cargo, have a belt sewn  into the waistline, or if you’re feeling macguyver-ish, you can even buy shorts that have snap on attachments to convert them regular pants when it is nippy outside. inundated with options, i consulted my fashion-savvy sister who told me to stay away from poorly made pants with many pockets that showed a nasty logo – the sort scalawags wear. thus began my pursuit for a pair of shorts.

the first store i went to, and i kid you not, was actually selling shorts that not only contained numerous holes in them but also were splattered with paint. i assume the clothing company distributed a bunch of shorts to painters and builders in the area and told them to wear them on the job and return them once the shorts were completely ruined. what’s next – stores selling used hemorrhoid cream?

i went into to the next store. actually, i’m rather sure that it wasn’t so much a store as it was a male pornography studio. every wall had a ceiling-to-floor photographs of nearly naked men with tanned bodies of sinew and reps. i am not sure why a store that presumably sold clothing would choose not to put clothing on their models. doubting the business competence of this establishment, i left and continued on.

i saw a shop with a respectable looking store front and a very conservative anglo-saxon name and went in, hoping to find traditional, normal clothing. instead, i stepped into some sort of odd rave night club. it was about as dark as a coal mine and loud repetitive-sounding music blasted from gigantic speakers. the entire shop smelled of bad cologne which i assumed was caused by a customer knocking over the cologne display as a result of the darkness. not being able to shout loudly enough to the store attendant to ask where the shorts were kept because of the music and wanting to rid my nose of the terrible smells, i hurried onto the next store.

by then, my patience was waning and i had decided that any pair of shorts that adequately covered my genitals would suffice. the ones i ended up with are actually pretty normal – un-ruined, khaki shorts with normal pockets, and reasonably priced as well. my only issue with them is that instead of a zip, they have four extremely unwieldy buttons. so what i really bought was a chastity belt camouflaged as a pair of shorts.

however, i am already foreseeing situations in which these four buttons will be not undone quickly enough to meet the needs of a very full bladder. i will therefore eventually ruin these shorts with my own urine and will need a replacement pair.

after all my trouble, maybe i should have purchased a spare?


Entry filed under: life, musings. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

blood drives, bbq, and team jacob a man, a plan, how banal

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. airiq  |  June 23, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    in terms of shorts, i just go to air mail. They seem to always be around 15-20 bucks and the style/size hasn’t really changed. in and out fairly quickly.

    it’s the shoes where i take forever.

  • 2. maggie  |  June 23, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    hey so which store was which? paint = AE, cologne = AF, naked men = Jcrew or gap? i’ll guess gap. that would mean u bought the shorts from Jcrew. I bought a pair of button fly jeans once. they’re really too much of a hassle. I suggest you buy another pair. your best bet would be to come to NY and go to Uniqlo. or find one near you?

  • 3. Mark  |  June 23, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Pretty much all of my casual clothing these days comes from:

    1) J. Crew
    2) Uniqlo
    3) Lands’ End

  • 4. Dave  |  June 23, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    just go to old navy… they have normal shorts in addition to the crazier designs… and they’re usually cheap, though, also in the quality department as well.

  • 5. Steph  |  June 23, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    button flys are the worst!

    store guesses:
    1) jcrew or ae?
    2) hollister
    3) abercrombie

    have your sister shop for you, that’s what brothers do!

  • 6. K  |  June 25, 2010 at 2:25 am

    AF is the place to go for naked men


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