on apples and nuts

a good friend who is an elementary school teacher recently told me about a parent that he had to deal with. this mother forbade the school from giving her child anything with apples in it, including juice and sauce, because every one knows apples are the devil’s plaything. she requested that her daughter be given only water, milk, and vegetable juice. also on her black list were cheese goldfish snacks, because apparently, her daughter is too thick not to gorge herself on them.

well of course she’s going to gorge herself on goldfish snacks if all you feed her is water, milk, and vegetable juice. water is for plants, vegetable juice belongs in a bloody mary, and i’m completely surprised that milk, with all the hormones dairy cows are pumped up with, made it to this mother’s ok-to-put-inside-my-daughter list. most likely, the daft mother believes that milk comes from a cow named bessie that lives on a quiet farm with a red silo, and is lovingly milked by farmer joe who wears denim overalls and a straw hat.

my theory is that this mother believes that this is what good parenting is; eliminating from her child’s life any thing remotely tasty, fun, and exciting because pesticides will rot their gums, sports will disintegrate all tendons and bones, and playing in the mud will lead only to anthrax. snowball fights cause hypothermia and frostbite, video games turn their brains to mush and induce seizures, and oh my god, white bread contains bleached flour which will make their limbs fall off, so peanut butter and jelly sandwiches must be made with 37 grain wheat bread that tastes like the bottom of my shoe.

oh wait, cancel the peanut butter, because peanuts give you aids and melt your lungs.

how many generations of kids have led normal kid lives without turning into kid-sized puddles of blood and hair? the only thing snow is good for is skiing and snowballs, and as far as i know, no kid has ever had his arms fall off from eating a grilled cheese sandwich.

maybe all this effort that parents spend on making sure their kids don’t get vaccinated, because vaccines are a way for the man to pad his pocket, and eat only organic food that is made from rainbows and happy soy plants should go towards being a good parent. go to the park and toss a baseball around. teach your son how to gut a fish and ride a bike. come home from work on time to eat dinner with your child. read a bed time story and kiss your daughter on the forehead at night.

good parenting is so much more than making sure your kid is safe from the miniscule threats in their school’s lunch rooms. whatever happened to being concerned about bullies? making the basketball team? winning the science fair?

hopefully, bullies in today’s schools aren’t too emaciated from their diet of water and wheat bread to beat up on the runty kids. hopefully, basketball hasn’t been outlawed because sports cause cancer. and the science fair?

i hope its done away with – its the scientists that tell me that farmed salmon will make my eyes explode.